Living My Life, Unbeknownst To Myself

I don't know how long I have to type this all out, but here goes.

I'm not sure if it's just me or what, but I don't remember very much of this past week. I'm being serious. All I can remember are bits and pieces, and... other events, but I'll get into that later. All I can say is, is that I think I've been going about my "normal" life, but I have no recollection of it. I know that I've been doing the things I would normally do, because, when I have been "conscious" and aware like I am now, I've asked people around me what I've been doing. Of course, they give me an odd look, but then they tell me I've been doing what I always do. Not sure what that means anymore, but I'll take their word for it. I know I've been into work too, since I've seen my Employee clock-out stubs lying around in my room.

And about the certain events in which I've found myself in when I've come back to being aware. There were two cases. The first one I believe happened last Friday. I found myself driving in my car again, and apparently I had gone far over the speed limit, because a police cruiser was behind me, with lights flashing. It would have been hard to explain to the cop why I was speeding, so I told him I had no excuse for it and that I was sorry. I received a ticket of course, then I went on my way. Apparently, I must have been heading home, since I recognized the road I was on, and the direction I was going in. If I was to guess as to why I was going so fast down the road, it must have been because I saw Him again, like the time before... oh well, better to be caught by the law than Him. The other time, I was in my car yet again, and it was snowing. However, this time, I was parked at an intersection, where I was the only vehicle there. All the traffic lights were solid red, which I found odd, but when i looked down the road from where I was, I understood why. Far off, but not too far, I saw Him again, his thin, monolithic, dark silhouette, unmoving, ever horrifying. My gaze was locked onto Him for quite a while, until I snapped back into reality, then hit the gas pedal and made a U-turn, going the opposite direction away from Him, as fast as one can possibly drive in the snow. This event happened tonight. I am now home again, getting as much as I can remember onto here before I relapse back into... whatever the state is when I become unaware again.

I don't want to go through this much longer, I'm missing too much of my life, losing the chance to make memories, even though I am living through life, and not at the same time.

Damnit. I'm feeling light headed again,.....

... And Then It Hit Me.

Literally.

I'll explain what that means in a bit. But, Ever since my last post, things have been happening to me so fast that I've barely been able to keep track of it. I'll start from where I posted last.

1/30/11 - The night after I posted last, when I was coming home after work.... I saw Him. In real life. It wasn't a dream or hallucination, I know it was Him, as clear as day. The terror and shock that immediately struck me was so intense, that I almost crashed my car. After I was ale to compose myself, I drove home as quickly as I could, and started writing things down... not anything specific, just anything that I could think of. Mostly it was just babble, other times it was facts, and memories, and sometimes what I was thinking at the moment. I don't know why I decided to just start writing, but this went on apparently for a few hours, until I finally stopped and fell asleep in my chair. While I was asleep, the dreams came back. They came back even more terrible than any other times before. I was put through so much agony and pain. After what seemed forever, I awoke with an intense jolt, that I believe I nearly threw myself across the room. As I sat there, wide awake, I looked down at where my head had rested on the notebook, and there was a large, unexplainable blood stain on the paper. After seeing this, I ran to my bathroom, and checked myself to see where the blood could have come from. I had no open wounds, nor did I have any remnants of blood of any kind on me. This forced me into even greater distress. I was unable to sleep for the rest of the night.

1/31/11 - After the sun had risen, I was finally able to fall asleep again. But not without those dreams coming back. Though they were just as terrifying and morbid as last time, I seemed to not... "feel" it as much. I'm not sure I can explain it any better than that. When I had awoken, it was already after 3PM. Thankfully, it was my day off, so I didn't have to worry about going to work later. I decided to drive and walk around town a little, trying to get my mind off of things, and also trying to put myself at ease a little bit. I did this until the sun started to go down. I didn't want to be out and about once night had fallen, for obvious reasons. I didn't want to go back home either. So, I decided to stay over at a friend's house nearby. I went to bed rather early while I was over there, due to my exhaustion from the previous night's events. I didn't have any visitations from Him while I was over there, but of course the dreams came to me once again. I'm beginning to hate these dreams alot now.

2/1/11 - I awoke early from my slumber, and the awakening wasn't so abrupt as the times before. I left my friend's house before 10AM, then headed back to my home. When I got there, it seemed to be awfully quiet. TOO quiet. I went to my room, to check to see if things were as I had left them two nights ago. I expected it to be untouched. I was wrong. My room was a complete wreck. Furniture had been overturned, papers had been flung everywhere - it looked like a tornado had come through my room. I tried my best to clean things up. After I had done so, I noticed something: the notebook in which I had written random things in, with the bloodstain on it, was gone. I looked everywhere in my house, but it was nowhere to be found. I'm not sure why, but I started to panic. I immediately ran outside, for no apparent reason. I looked around the outside of the house, I guess for the notebook. I found something, but it wasn't the notebook. Outside the window of my room, on the side of the house, was a hand print - a very BLOODY hand print. I have no idea where it came from, but it was there. I know that it wasn't from my hand, because it was shaped differently. after seeing it, I started to freak out even more than I was before. I ran back inside, grabbed as much stuff as I could carry, jammed it all into my car, then drove away as fast as I legally could. I didn't know what to do. Someone had been in my house without my knowledge. I don't have any backup keys for the house. How the hell did someone get in there, tear up my room, steal that notebook, leave a bloody hand print on the side of my house, and leave the rest of it essentially unscathed? I couldn't figure out a logical answer to the questions. I drove to a relatives house, and spent the night there. I called in to work sick, even though that was obviously a lie. He didn't visit me this night either, but like always, the dreams were there in His stead.

2/2/11 - Once again, I awoke early, and left the house before 9AM this time. I didn't want to go back home, but for some reason, my mind convinced me otherwise. I pulled into my driveway, unpacked my car, then went to the front door to unlock it. Right when I was about to put the key into the lock, I started to feel like someone was watching me. I set my stuff down, turned around. A few blocks down the street, there is a rather large tree, right in the middle of someone's front yard. I when my eyes came to it, they suddenly froze. There behind the tree, was Him. I know it was Him. No one could be that tall. His head almost reached the top of the tree's branches. He looked almost like a giant spider with two legs. He didn't move, He just stood there, behind the tree. I couldn't see His face, but I know He could see me. I stood there, frozen, looking at Him, for several minutes. I didn't know what to do, except not move, hoping that He would eventually go away. But He never did. Then, I decided, "screw it." I bolted down the street towards Him. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, but apparently I must have thought that if I charge Him, he would just vanish into thin air. Nope. He didn't move. I kept running towards Him, even faster now. Just as I was about to reach then tree, I suddenly felt slower, as if time itself was slowing down. Then, as I looked back towards where he stood behind the tree, I came to an abrupt stop, but not by my own doing. I stopped because my body felt like it hit an invisible brick wall. Excruciating pain shot through my entire body. It was nearly unbearable. Only a second after that happened, I suddenly blacked out. I don't know what happened after that, but when I came to, I was in my house, on the floor in front of my room. I don't know how I got there, but I know I couldn't have carried my unconscious self there. When I checked my watch, it was 7PM. I apparently was out for almost ten hours. I got up and went to the front door. It was locked. I looked around the rest of the house, checking to see how I could have gotten inside. Everything was closed shut. I went back to the front door, opened it, and found all of my stuff, right where I had left it, included my keys, still on the ground in front of the door. After I brought my things inside, I rechecked the house, making sure that everything was locked. I felt extremely tired, so I went to go take a shower. When I had gotten out and headed to my room, I noticed that there was a light on in my living room that I know I didn't turn on. I walked into the living room, looked around, then turned off the light. I wasn't sure, but I had a feeling that I wasn't alone in my house. I went back to my room, got dressed, then headed back to the living room. The light that that I had just turned off, was on again. Now I was sure that someone else was in the house. Without much thought, I ran back into my room, grabbed one of my katanas from my closet, then ran back out into the living room, ready for whatever the fuck tried to pick a fight with me. But, right as I stepped into the room, what felt like a bomb going off in my head gave me one of the worst and severe migraines I have ever felt in my entire life. I grabbed my head, screaming in agony. It felt like this went on forever, until, just as quickly as it had come, the migrain left. I suddenly felt really light-headed. I tried to stand up but I couldn't. After a short while of this, I simply dropped to the ground, where I apparently passed out for the rest of the night.

2/3/11 - I awoke, this time in my back yard. It was broad daylight, so I must have been out for at least 12 hours. I got up, not feeling woozy at all, and went to my back door. It was locked. I went around the house, checking all the doors and windows. All of them were locked, which didn't come as surprise to me, considering that I'm the one who locked it all up last. Thankfully, I had my cell phone on me, and I called a guy I know who is a locksmith. It took a few hours, but he was able to get me into my house through the back door. It has only been a few hours since then, and now I am writing this post.

So basically, I've had a rough past couple of days. I'll try to post again in the next few days, given that nothing has happened to me before then. Ciao.

-Xand.

Clarity, And The Calm

Hey again.

Since my last post, things have actually gotten better. I haven't had any strange memory-like dreams, and I've been getting much needed rest. My life doesn't seem so bad after all.

Well, that was the good news. Now for some "bad" news. How can this post have any bad news, you say? Well, first, let me clear something up for you.

I know that someone has to have figured out by now that my posts seem a little... "inconsistent." What I am referring to is the peculiar break in flow between my second, third, and fourth posts. They don't quite "match up" properly, I suppose you could say. I'll tell you this right now: The third post was just an average every-day post, nothing too dramatically different I guess. The fourth post was correct as well, I guess. But the second post... well, it's not that easy to explain, at least for me I suppose, but I'll still try anyways.

The second post, as you may have noticed, looks like it should be "after all my my other posts", you could say. Because, it didn't describe my disposition at the time at all, not even my current status. I know this for sure. But that isn't even the strangest part- I remember typing all of that out and posting it, BUT, I can't remember why. I can't remember what reason I had for writing what I wrote, and then posting it nonchalantly like that. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I DID THAT. I.... I didn't even know about any "problems" that people were having, let alone me. But, now I can see that things seem to be setting me up to where that post will become accurate, as well as a "vision of the future" if you want to call it that. Once I figure more out, hopefully it can help me put all this to rest. Now that that's done with, I don't really have much left to say.

I will say one last thing though.... I can't help but feel that this time frame of peace was given to me to induce a false sense of security, as if it was the calm before a storm.... Hopfully I'm wrong about it, and soon I'll be able to get back to my normal life.

-Xand

I'm Like An Unexperienced Veteran...

I haven't been feeling well lately. The late hours that I'm working are bad enough, but the sleepless nights I have due to these "dreams" are making it exponentially worse. These dreams, I think I believe that they're real now, that they are from the past, perhaps from me in a previous life. I know, that sounds ridiculous and crazy, but I really think that's what the situation is at the moment. However, I still don't understand their meaning, or why they're coming to me now... Or maybe I do. I'm not sure anymore.

The thing that's really bothering me isn't the dreams themselves, but what they're causing me to think about. Things like running of to some place that I have no idea where it's located, or going to grab an item that I know for a fact that I don't own; or even, committing acts that, well, wouldn't sit well with today's society... it's almost as if, it's a natural instinct, if you can put it that way; I don't know. All I know is that these dreams are really messing with me... and the dreams, well, they're getting worse. The events that happen in the dreams are becoming more and more horrible and terrifying. And the man... the tall man, he's always there when the worst happens, standing not too far off, or sometimes right there in front of me. But, now that I think about it, he feels sort of... familiar to me; and not in that warm, homely feel: more like, the terror that you have always felt you entire life, that terror of the unknown, or like the terror that a child feels when he is lying in his bed awake at night, afraid of the darkness, and not knowing if something is there in that darkness, waiting to get a hold of him. That is what I feel, whenever I see him in those dreams...

I want to find a way to stop all this insanity; I want to figure out why this is happening, and what is causing it. Hopefully, some answers will come to me, soon.

-Xand

Immediate Dreams And Distant Memories...?

I... seem to be.... having dreams. Dreams that... I think, may be.... memories. Memories that... don't seem like they belong to me, necessarily. Though, somewhere, deep, deep within my soul... I think that they might in fact be mine. I don't know how or why, but, the events that happen in those memories, dreams or whatever they are, seem all to familiar. But, why haven't I remembered or seen these "memories", up until recently? I just don't know or understand. And to make even these memories even more impossible for them to belong to me... The place and time they happen in, isn't even from this CENTURY, or MILLENIA for that matter! I'm serriously freaking out!

.... Sorry about that. I'm just... well really confused. Hopefully more sleep and some changes in habits will fix things up.

-Xand

Do You Ever Get That Uneasy Feeling...

So. I've been doing fairly well since my last post. I now have secured a job, and the income is fairly decent. But anyways, that's not what I'm here to talk about. The other day, I had some odd occurrence happen to me that I haven't had for a while.

Yesterday, I was at a relative's house, acting my usual normal self. I had just bought a new weapon the day before, and I had it in my car, so I decided to take it into the backyard, to take some pictures of it, and "model" it. The house I was at is near some old railroad tracks that aren't used that often anymore, and on the other side of them are some dense woods. So as I was doing my thing with my new weapon, I started to get that weird feeling that you have sometimes; you know, the one where you feel as if you're being watched, or something like that. I looked around, but I didn't see anyone or anything else in the yard, nor was anyone looking at me from inside the house. I couldn't see over the 7-foot-tall fence that surrounded the yard, so I didn't know if something was over there or not. I paid no attention to it after a while, since the feeling only lasted for a couple of minutes. That was the only peculiar thing that had happened to me that day.

Now, I don't want to be one to jump to conclusions, but hopefully, that feeling I had yesterday didn't come from the source that I am thinking about. Well, I suppose that the past is in the past, and should stay that way. I don't want to dwell on these thoughts any more. I am now sitting in my own room, safe from anything from that time, so long ago...

That's all for today. Until next time.

-Xand

NOTE: huh, I felt that strange feeling again just now, for a moment. Hm, must be my imagination...

Oh, Who Am I Kidding...

Alright, I admit it, I really made this blog as an alternate so that those of certain "situations" can contact me without the danger of becoming involved in my personal life, though I doubt that I will be able to keep that up for very long. I am here to offer any help to those who need it, but I'm not sure myself of what I am able to offer quite yet. I can tell you however, that my experiences with this special kind of "dilemma" are not a faux. They are genuine, I know that for certain. Sadly, I only can remember certain bits and pieces from when I was having these same "problems", and those that I can remember, I remember to the very last detail, which I find rather... odd.

I can assure you that I am no longer in involved in that "situation", and that I am completely free of danger... though, because of what I'm doing right now, I don't think that will last for very long... I think I was better off keeping it to myself, but now..... now, because I'm forcing my way into the picture again, I may be putting myself in even greater danger than what I was in before. Hopefully that's not the case...

I hope that at least some of you understand what message I am trying to convey to you. I can only hope that some of you will find this blog... I don't want my all my efforts for this to go in vain...

-Xand